You
were third grade in elementary school when you started to learn how to swim.
When the summer vacation started, your mother persuaded you to go to the swimming
pool at the local sports center every morning. You resisted at first, but your
mother was very insistent because she thought men should know how to swim and she
thought that swimming would make you healthy. So every morning, you woke up
early and went to the swimming pool.
You
didn’t know how to swim at all, so you started from the absolute basics. On the
first day, the instructor promised you that if you try hard, you would be able
to swim before the vacation ends. After several days had passed, you ran into a
girl. You were very surprised and astonished because she was in the same class
and you had a good feeling towards her. You and that girl awkwardly said hello
to each other. Then while you were outside the lane, you stole a glance at her
and were surprised that she was very good at swimming. You, who had strong
self-esteem, felt terrible that you hadn’t learn swimming earlier. That day,
you practiced harder than ever. You and the girl met occasionally after that
first and awkward meeting.
Time passed, and your swimming gradually improved. One day, you went
to the pool as usual. And the girl in your class was also there that day. You
also chatted a little with that girl since you were in the same lane with her.
Then, after a while, your instructor came to you and suggested a
race between you and another boy. You had never seen him before, but he seemed
to be very good at swimming. You were surprised by the unexpected suggestion
and tried to escape from it, but it was useless. He persuaded that it was going
to be exciting and a good opportunity to check how much you improved. Further
opposition would make the situation weird. Thus, unwillingly, you agreed to the
offer.
You were only 10 years old kid, but you were also a man and you couldn’t
lose in front of a woman. Although you were not yet any close to the perfect
swimmer, you made a firm resolution that you will win the race. When the race
started, you tried your best to win the race. You moved your legs in a maximum
speed. You quickly looked at your opponent, and he was increasing his lead over
you. Soon, you got tired but you couldn’t stop. You moved your legs faster than
before. You thought with a good chance, she might be watching you. Suddenly,
you couldn’t move your leg. Then, your leg started to hurt very badly. You got
a cramp in your leg.
The instructor was very surprised and ran to you to rescue you. I
was disgracefully on the floor getting help from the instructor. You were very ashamed and couldn’t think of
anything else.
Walking back home from the pool, limping, you
thought that you were too competitive. You shouldn’t have been so overly
competitive. Looking back, it was not a big deal at all. After that day, you
never tried to impress other people by pretending.
I think your writing is improving. This is pretty solid and you whiz through the you narrative very quickly and effectively. Concise writing. There is one point towards the end where you break the YOU and use "I" however.
답글삭제So while I like this - there are nagging questions at the end. WAS the girl watching you? She could be a bigger part of this story, and you could inject a few bits of dialogue. You could make it cuter and more romantic. Let's face it - this is about girls and how a boy starts to notice one. We need more trauma and more embarrassment. : ) The ending is a bit of a let down, but the development is quite good in the beginning and middle. Nice writing.
There are some tiny grammar mistakes, but overall you successfully delivered your childhood story by using the 2nd pronoun. Its lucid and clear-cut; As Mr. Garrioch has already mentioned, you used "I" instead of "YOU" one time ('I was disgracefully.....').
답글삭제It would be much better if you wrote more about your own feelings after that event, not just merely listing what happened. That way, you can also tell how you feel about that kind of embarrassing competition since then.