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| A BIg FIsh |
It was when I was 4th grade in elementary school. My father and I
woke up very early around 2 am to go fishing. The night before, my father told
me that he was going fishing with his co workers and asked me to come with him.
Of course, I said yes. We were going to the West Sea, and we arrived at the
port around 4am. My father introduced me to his co-workers and bought some
bait, hooks, and everything we need. The boat set off around 6am. While moving
to the destination, I saw beautiful sunrise over the horizon. I was very excited.
When the boat arrived
at the spot, we started fishing and waited for the fish to take the bait.
Unfortunately, we didn’t catch much fish contrary to our expectations. However,
as I vaguely remember, I wasn’t disappointed or felt boring because I was
really excited that I was actually fishing, and I was spending time with my
father. We thought we weren't very lucky that day because we caught relatively
few compare to other days. After we waited several hours, my father got a
bite. He carefully pulled the rod and finally got the fish onto the boat. He
was glad that it was pretty big, and I was glad too. He told me to hold the
fish and took a photo with me.
We went several more fishing after that day.
To me, my father is like a friend. Although he was strict when he had to, he
tried to be my companion, rather than a supervisor. My father loved to travel
with me and my sister and he showed the world as much as possible. We traveled
many places on almost every weekends and experienced many things. One day in
the winter, he drove me three hours all the way to Cherwon, Gangwon province to
show me migratory birds
Through these
experiences I was able to broaden my sight and develop my mind. I guess it wasn’t
easy for him to travel on weekends after working very hard on weekdays, and
when he really needs some rest. Some teenagers of my age have difficulty
discussing their problems with parents because they are uncomfortable with
their parents. Since my father always tried to get close to me, I had no
problems communicating with my father and able to discuss my problems freely
with him.
As I grew up., my father and I got busy with
our own businesses and we rarely had a chance to be together. Naturally, we couldn’t
travel together or spend time on weekends together. Now, we can’t even meet often since I moved into
dormitory. However, memories of great times spent with my father never fade
away. These memories are very precious to me and make me smile when I try to recall those memories. When
I see my father, I learn a lot about fatherliness and remind myself that I
would become a good father and do just like my father when I have a son.
It was when I was IN THE 4th grade in elementary school.
답글삭제My father introduced me to his co-workers and bought some bait, hooks, and everything we NEEDED.
While moving to the destination, I saw A beautiful sunrise over the horizon.
Unfortunately, we didn’t catch MANY fish contrary to our expectations. However, as I vaguely remember, I wasn’t disappointed or BORED(,) because I was really excited that I was actually fishing (DELETE,) and (DELETE I was) spending time with my father. We thought we weren't very lucky that day because we caught relatively few FISH COMPARED to other days.
We went ON several more fishing TRIPS after that day. To me, my father is like a friend. Although he IS strict when he HAS to BE, he TRIES to be my companion, rather than a supervisor. My father LOVES to travel with me and my sister and he SHOWS the world as much as possible. We USED TO TRAVEL many places on almost every WEEKEND, and WE ALWAYS experienced many things. One day in the winter, he drove me three hours all the way to Cherwon, Gangwon province(,) to show me migratory birds(.)
I guess it wasn’t easy for him to travel on weekends after working very hard on weekdays, and when he really NEEDED some rest. Some teenagers (DELETE of) my age have difficulty discussing their problems with parents because they are uncomfortable with THEM (DELETE their parents). Since my father always TRIES to get close to me, I HAVE no problems communicating (DELETE with my father) and AM able to discuss my problems freely with him.
As I grew up, my father and I got busy with our own BUSINESS and we rarely HAVE a chance to be together. Naturally, we DON'T travel together or spend time on weekends (DELETE together). Now, we can’t (DELETE even) meet often since I HAVE moved into A dormitory.
These memories are very precious to me and make me smile when I try to recall THEM (DELETE those memories). When I see my father, I learn a lot about fatherliness and remind myself that I WILL become a good father and BE just like my father when I have a son.
This is very good. It's a nice story that complements the picture well, and your views on fatherhood are bright and positive.
답글삭제You get fairly close to what I expect from the prompt, but could focus just a little more on the photo, and the moment it was taken. You can briefly reflect on the kid in the picture and comment on how you've changed since then. Try to add one more poetic paragraph with imagery and strong description that embraces the photography element.
As for the writing, you have solid grammar in most instances, but need to focus on verbs and tenses. Ask yourself if the tense you are writing in IS THE BEST to suit the purpose. You use past tense to describe your relationship with your dad, but you still have this so you should use present tense.
Be careful of missing articles such as "a" and "the."
BIG THING - avoid repetitions and extra clauses, such as:
"These memories are very precious to me and make me smile when I try to recall those memories."
Memories x2. Should simply be: These memories are very precious to me and make me smile when I recall them.
"Some teenagers of my age have difficulty discussing their problems with parents because they are uncomfortable with their parents."
Parents x 2. Sounds awkward and wordy.
"Since my father always tried to get close to me, I had no problems communicating with my father and able to discuss my problems freely with him."
Father x2. This sentence can be much shorter and poingnant. Should be "Since my father always tries to get close to me, I have no problems communicating and am able to discuss my problems freely."
Grade pending. Please let me know when it is updated to a second draft.: )